Pregnancy - the waddling bullseye

5 min read
13 Jun

I've always been one for owning my own thoughts. If I want an opinion I'll ask for it, if I didn't you can bet your arse I don't want to hear it. But never in my life would I be prepared for the amount of thoughts, feelings and beliefs people INSIST you agree with in regards to raising YOUR child and what you do with your own body from day dot of announcing your pregnancy. The judgments are practically 18th century! Is it just me who felt like the whole time I was pregnant I was waddling around with a bullseye on my back inviting all kinds of judgement and advice I didn't fucking ask for?

Let me start by saying pregnancy, not a fan, I'm not talking about growing the baby that was magnificent I teared up at every scan and enjoyed feeling my baby grow more than anything. I mean the me stuff, the body changing, hormones and scrutiny. It was in all honesty a shit time for me with my body being annoying and all. But under no circumstances do you berate a pregnant woman, sometimes she's scared, sometimes she's angry, sometimes she is so scared that she gets angry it's a really crazy time, you can ask questions, you can even try have a little laugh or even on rare occasions when she asks give the girl a bit of advice but under no circumstances can you judge the woman! So that being said please, join me for the following if you too, had all of the above and more when you were pregnant and you too will say yep yep yep and pull angry face reliving the whole ordeal 🙃.

Do you want to eat that? This KILLED me. Ironically enough this is the question that would result in me biting the question asker's head off. For years all I did was diet and watch what I ate for fear of ballooning mainly due to PCOS, and for those of you who understand, that is bloody hard. Of course I had the odd day where I would eat exactly what I wanted, but then I would feel so so guilty. There was a time I was my absolute thinnest and looking back I looked amazing, I was toned, I worked out a LOT and I watched what I ate all the time but I still saw a big fat lump when I looked in the mirror, the human mind is a tricky thing. THAT is why I think having any opinion on what a pregnant woman eats is absolutely disgusting. I took full advantage of the fact that I could eat nice food and not feel bad, I ate all the carbs, I ignored my lactose intolerance in order to give my baby the best amount of calcium I could think of and I enjoyed all of it. Why shouldn't I? But what about when someone decided no, your body is theirs to comment on and your eating habits are suddenly THEIR business? Well... let me tell you, I'm an outspoken person as it is, but when I was pregnant, whew! Stand. Back! But in all fairness I wasn't waddling round hissing at people for no reason. I got so sick of people commenting, "don't have that steak, the blood could kill him" yep I already know thanks, "I hope you're eating healthy, remember it's the babies body now", first of all, no, I'm not, because I ate nothing yesterday bar three strawberries and half a whispa gold so fuck you, and secondly it is not THEIR body, it is MY body, but I am ever so politely welcoming my little womb mate and doing my utmost to ensure that they enjoy their stay, and get all of the relevant nutrients needed to grow healthily. Let me explain why this is a dangerous thing to have an opinion on. When women are pregnant, we are extremely delicate, even if we don't know it. Our bodies are changing every single day in ways that we have never experienced before and have no control of. Our hormones are wizzing around like an LA highway on thanksgiving weekend and again, we have no control, we don't even understand it. I once sat and cried in the foetal position on my bedroom floor for 4 hours because my boyfriend told me he was NOT bored of me and I thought he was lying and this meant that he no longer loved me or our unborn child? Last reason I will give, because I shouldn't have to be giving any but people seem to be very pushy. Eating disorders happen! The fact that a woman is now a walking incubator does not mean that we don't feel fat. The amount of women who relapse into past eating disorders when pregnant is astounding. Lets just live by this one simple rule - DO NOT COMMENT ON HER FOOD! To you that comment of "biscuits aren't good for the baby" could translate to her highly hormonal, deeply delicate mind state as "put that biscuit down fatty, because if you carry on eating you'll become obese and your baby will be born with health problems and it will be all your fault". I'm serious, this isn't a small thing. It's hard enough as it is to grow a human and the amount of women who seem to have opinions who even have children is bloody woeful, just keep your trap shut about what's going into hers!

"I'm only trying to help" and "it's in your best interest" FUCK.OFF! Oh these are the worst types of people. I was a member of a good few parenting groups, specifically mum groups on facebook and I highly advise to opt out. This is my personal preference, but after being told that one drink is likely to cause fetal alcohol syndrome in my unborn child and that I was a terrible mother to my unborn child for personal decisions, I don't condone them what so ever!

Do NOT comment on her size, she knows! I own mirrors and a camera phone. I got so sick of hearing about my size especially towards the end of my pregnancy and the constant "do you have stretch marks?" and the ever following laughter that ensues after I would say no. It seems every single woman want you to become some streaky, stripy, unhappy mother bellied mother. Why is that? Because misery loves company, that's why. I can't tell you how many women I have came across that called me a bitch for not having them and for still being able to walk in heels throughout my entire pregnancy, but we will come to that in a moment. Again, a woman's, or any persons size is not your business. It especially becomes not your business when a woman is pregnant. That's a good way to get sat on. It's honestly as if the filter people use every single day of their lives gets stripped off when they spot a pregnant woman and they just go for it. Honestly, when I was pregnant I really did feel like I was a lot of people's verbal punching bag. Like all of their pent up anger and frustration over the years was suddenly pointed at my body size and shape. I hated it, my poor boyfriend bless him he constantly tried to reassure me that I looked beautiful and I wasn't big. I knew I was, I mean HELLO, I was growing a human. But he meant well. But it just seemed that with everyone constantly telling me "bloodyhell you're big now" and "are you in maternity clothes now then I take it" my head was completely taken over. Is it any wonder I had breakdowns about twice a week over the fact that my entire body had changed and I couldn't do a single thing about it? and not just that I knew full well that after I had my baby it would take some doing to get it anywhere near what it was in the beginning?  Just don't comment on a pregnant woman's size, seriously, just don't!

Pft you're hormonal!!! No shit Sherlock! and the fact that it seemed to be men making light of this just spurred my anger on even more. I just thought wow, what a fucking cheek you have. If a man commented on MY hormones fuck me did they get the good old acid tongue. Don't come at me with judgement on my hormones when it's due to growing a human from a fucking telescopic tadpole. Mate the last thing you created pebble dashed the back of the toilet and you still had the cheek to complain about the pains you had and the fact that holding it in until you got home from work was 'making you feel whingy'. Tell you what, imagine having to hold that shit in for 3 months, be judged on it, have your penis poked and prodded, be asked about hemorrhoids, discharge, smells and pains. And when you say yes, have to PROVE said pains by being poked and prodded further in the part that the pain is coming from, and the only way to end it all is through pushing out a giant Mr Hanky through your japs eye. THEN and only then may you understand and be able to comment on MY hormones. Women's hormones are untouchable, if she wants to cry because one foot feels warmer than the other in her shoes then so be it.

Do you really think that's appropriate? Oh no no no. I constantly got asked about my clothes when I was pregnant did anyone else? I was really uncomfortable with my body but I forced myself to still wear my heels every day. I always have, so keeping this one tiny thing meant that I was still in control of at least one thing. To be honest my calves are still in good condition and so are my thighs and I know that they would have been so big had I stopped wearing my heels. I've always been judged for wearing heels day in and day out, it's a thing, I don't know why but jealousy has many forms. It's so strange to me I've actually had comments on it, but as you can probably guess I'm not one to keep my mouth shut on it. But being pregnant and wearing heels WOW! It's almost as if some women were absolutely made up that I was pregnant, like "ha! now she has to join the frumpy mum club, that'll teach her". Well suck a fat one Felicia, I wore them every, single, day, and never complained even once. Honestly it's insane, I wore a short dress when I had quite a considerable bump and the stares were shocking. I was at a fucking party and all I thought was 'what are you looking at!? If I wanted to wear a dress above my knee I would, I mean what? Just because a woman is pregnant all of a sudden she needs to dress like Julie Andrews in the sound of music? Get out of here right now, that's not how this goes, I buy my clothes and I dress my body, so it's going to be dressed for MY comfort and MY happiness, end of! Besides, that hall was roaaasting, I don't want to over cook my chick eh thankya.

Should you be saying that, you're about to be a mum?! I'm going to make this my last issue and I'm pretty sure you can ALL relate. When you become pregnant, it is automatically assumed that you are suddenly going to change and mature into some person that you never were. Don't get me wrong now I have a small person to care for I wont take lifts from taxis that aren't mine on nights out or go back to after parties with people I only met that night in town, which I probably shouldn't have anyway but it is what it is. But what I don't understand is that people can't seem to comprehend that your personality, character and beliefs are STILL going to be there when you have had your baby. I mean I still laugh at people falling over and I still think shouting is an acceptable form of speech when you want to emphasize a point. I swear a lot, I drink (probably more on lockdown) I love nights out, I'll still wear my sassy leather skirt and hoochie hoops and I still wont be taking anyone's shit and you can bet your arse I'll call them out on it. My friends with anxiety STILL have anxiety and having a baby doesn't take that away. So when I have swore whilst pregnant and yes, this has happened, I got told "oh, you'll have to stop that when the baby is here" sorry Lynn, but when the fuck did I say I'd be watching my language? I don't hurt anyone and end of the day it's my choice. Nowhere on the NHS website for babies or in my folder did it say 'cussing someone out for commenting on your boobs will affect your babies mental health?" I mean maybe it will, for the better, because maybe MY son will grow up with the understanding that bad behaviour results in being made a show of or brings out the worst in the person you are offending? I don't sit here and shout profanities at my infant son, I wont be teaching him bad language and we will be watching ours around him, but in regards to swearing in adult conversation no I wont stop, why would I? But I wont sit here and pretend that my entire demeanor is about to change and I'm suddenly going to turn into fucking Mary Berry and start baking perfect pineapple upside down cakes from scratch and handing them out to the neighbour's. Half of my neighbour's are pricks especially that dipshit over the road, and my behaviour on the matter aint about to change because I managed to squeeze 6 lb 14.5 oz of human out my willy wallet sorry. If anything that shit made me even more resilient and my language way worse so you can leave that expectation at the gate because you aren't getting in my house with that attitude. 

I know I'm not alone in all of this, surely I can't be because it see,s that every woman I have spoken to has encountered these exact same issues which is why I decided to specifically talk (or moan) about the ones that I did. At the end of the day just because a woman gets pregnant doesn't mean she owes the world anything, not even a change in her behaviour. So go and enjoy yourself, if you're pregnant or have had a child you bloody deserve it that shit takes it out of you and I personally feel free massages should be offered to all who have just bore offspring. I'm 4 months post partum and my back still hurts off that bloody epidural but I whole heartedly believe I'd have broken my my bum hole in giving birth had I not, that shit is greeeeat when you need it even if they are a bit stingy with the top up's. 

To any woman who is going through all of this now, just remember if other people leave their social etiquette behind now that you are pregnant, forget yours. Class is for people who can afford to bite their tongue, I don't. I'd rather someone consider me classless for calling someone out in public rather than go home and feel like I've been shot arrows at all day and smiled through the experience. you are NOT  a bullseye, you are doing the hardest thing a human beings body ever has to endure and you deserve every single snarling snipe you want to give. You deserve nothing but zipped lips, cuppas, good food and good fun. And if the people around you aren't willing to partake in ensuring that you feel the best you can at the moment, show them the door. Because trust me babe, when that baby is here, no one has time for niceties. You are doing amazing and don't let anyone ever make you feel like you are anything less that incredible. 

and remember YOU are NOT alone! 

Don't be a stranger gang, and stay safe.

💙Much Love💗

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