Do you ever sit and think, I want to write something but I've got the worst writers block. Then your baby rags your hair with both hands, spits milk in your eye and laughs and you think, ah... there's my muse.
It's as if I had sex and birthed my own inspiration, talk about a self made woman, but then my fella always comes out with the shout "well I made half of him" oh yes I forgot about your participation babe I'm sure this was your plan all along 🙄 it wasn't just because I'm a sexual deviant when drunk.
I've felt like a ball of pent up useless facts and thoughts when I'm up at midnight wondering what time my son will be awake in the morning and how he is going to look when he is two, I don't know why but I think it's such a funny age, they are so full of personality and are so adorable they get away with it. So I thought I'd just post about some of my rambling thoughts..
Did you know that around 40% of women still feel ghost kicks after giving birth? Like actual kicks from with in the stomach, apparently it happens 'on average' for about 6.5 years 😱 and in some cases it's been known to last up until 28years after giving birth on average. Can, you, IMAGINE! I bet I'll be one of them poor fuckers as well, there's nothing quite like a constant baby scare when you are actively NOT trying for another. I adore my baby boy, of course I do, but fuck me like I'm going to TRY to go through that 3 day agony and after polava ever again, I mean it was just my luck that this shitty global fucking pandemic would hit slap bang at the beginning of my maternity leave. You know, because this shit show of a government don't have us off enough with "statutory maternity pay" being less than half your fucking wages, now I'm a locked down bag of anxiety too. (If you know, you know). Isn't it wonderful though, our bodies actually do BIRTH human people, we grow them from a microscopic tadpole, I mean we as mothers give up EVERYTHING from day one, EVERYTHING! I wont lie I had the odd glass of champagne at a wedding or at my baby shower, I was celebrating and I make no apologies for having all of about 3 drinks through my entire pregnancy. But I gave up everything, smoking, drinking, partying (I used to go out every single weekend) I even gave up steak, that was the biggest one for me! It always irritated me that men have to give up NOTHING when they are expecting a baby but we as mothers are judged for every single thing, even by mum groups! Strangers, judging you! But that's a whole other post in itself, I don't like parenting groups on the internet, at all. But my boyfriend didn't drink while I was pregnant unless I said he could. Respect to him for that I've known men to get DOUBLY as drunk when their partners are carrying because they are 'making up' for the girlfriend/wife not drinking. BIG FAT NO! Just be respectful fellas, if she's sober, maybe ask if she will mind you getting drunk, I mean you're shattered enough as it is when you're pregnant without your skunk arse fella crawling under the sheets smelling like Frank Gallaghers parka asking you if you want a fumble. Isn't it wonderful ay, pregnancy double standards.
Did you know it usually takes women on average 3 months to a year to lose the baby weight?! Apparently women can tend to keep on 2.5-5lbs according to a doctor in a science post I just read to find that out. Now I knew you put weight on when pregnant, of course I did, I'd have to be an idiot to not consider that. I mean HELLO, my left tit probably weighs about 5lbs alone (really considering minusing a few lbs per boob each time I weigh myself). But what I didn't factor in was the EXTRA weight from the placenta! Yep, that's the real ball and chain. But our bodies put on excess fat, we MUST gain extra muscle in our legs from the walking with constant extra weight, we have the weight of the fluid and finally our tiny tot brewing in there nicely. Is it any wonder we can be so fucking cranky?! I mean come on, I once hurled a giant candle across the room in pure she-hulk fury because my boyfriend had said something less than smart. No I didn't throw it AT my boyfriend, pregnant or not I still wont condone acts of violence at another living thing or abuse. But I did launch it across the room, the hormones, the anger, the stress, the fatigue from no sleep and peeing 12,000 times a day and never really being empty! It all adds up. So yep, if you find yourself struggling to lose the lbs after birthing your beautiful little vagina stomper, keep at it queen. Isn't it wonderful, our bodies are amazing thanks for all that pain, sacrifice and exhaustion, now for ANOTHER challenge to get the body back you weren't even best pleased with BEFORE you got pregnant (for me anyway).
Now here's one I couldn't find an answer to, the average couple in the UK has sex ? times a month in the first year after having a baby. Reason I couldn't find it? Because everyone is different and loads are filthy liars! I'm sorry but no matter what you say if you tell me you had a natural birth and jumped back on the bat 2 weeks later to me all I think is you dirty bitch, yes that's judgemental but I mean it in the sense that I have a VERY vivid imagination (hi, have we just met?) And all I can think of is my fella sticking it in directly after me giving birth EW! Each to their own and all that but I know I'm not alone when I say my vagina felt like I'd been given a Chelsea smile immediately after birth. I had stitches and those mother fuckers hurt more than the actual birth (2 epidurals, thanks for asking). It took me 5 weeks to even go near it, the recommended time is 6 weeks I know I'm a dare devil. But it wasn't OK so again we waited. I wont lie, it still hurts sometimes, I have a lot of pressure pain, probably from pushing for over 11 hours and still nada! Apparently my baby was trying to be born out the wrong hole (arsehole) and so naturally I have pressure in a part of my flulah. It is what it is, but I have a high sex drive and my mum didn't raise a quitter 😂. But I know my body and you know yours, if you aren't comfortable after giving birth, don't rush it. I don't give a shit if your partner is GAGGING for it and says they will cheat, I'd encourage it, pft it would give me peace of mind when I chuck their shit out and call on them as a baby sitter so I can get some much needed shut eye. Honestly though you just spent around 9 months creating this tiny person, if your body needs more time to heal, let it, encourage it and your partner should too. But if you want to jump that panty pogo you do it. We went from sex 4-8 times a week to 1-2 times a week after having our son. It happens, sleep deprivation, self consciousness, nervousness, anxiety, CRYING BABY! Trust me. Isn't it wonderful how things can change so much in such a short space of time, but you adapt and I find this is a true test of your relationships intimacy.
Dating, ah! I just want to go on one date with my fella but can't, and before people say have a date night in, please, think about the reality of what you're bloody saying. We COULD order in, but when we do it results in both of us sat on the floor so the baby doesn't feel alone sat in his chair, yes chair NOT floor, but it's in front of the couch so he looks so alone, we're sad I know. And whilst we're sat uncomfortably cross legged on the floor, we have charlies colorforms city on for the baby for the 865th time whilst we have to talk in practically whispered tones so as not to steal his focus and have him cry for the food he doesn't want just because we have it. So you see an at home date night isn't really possible with a 5 month old. Our only other option is do it while he's asleep and as any parents will know sleep time is GOLDEN time, I mean he seems great now, but I know the one night we think 'neh, we'll stay up another hour' will be the night he decides he's getting up at 3.30 am for play time and bottle refusal and then we'll be back up at 7 despite my reluctance, so no thanks. We want to go out for a date but I've got so used to the COVID fear I don't want anyone to touch the baby, my mum works in the hospital and 'white area' or not I still don't trust it, my dads gf is a pharmacist so she is probably a red area tbf with all the sick people in and out and my dad lives with her so him touching my son is a no no too, then there is my boyfriends mum but she lives down south and she's the one who does the shopping so I don't want her touching my son either, I just about let people in the house! Worrying, effects of the media, I never used to be scared of anything, and I mean ANYTHING, now I'm scared to go within 2 meters of anyone for fear of a droplet hitting me and me getting my son sick. It's not for me, it never is, it's all worry directed solely at him. And he couldn't care less, he's 5 months old, he's more concerned with trying to lick my nostril and watching his dad fake sneeze! Isn't it wonderful how our priorities change drastically when we have a baby!
Last thing, I just want a moment of appreciation for our supportive partners. I KNOW it's usually the mum who has the baby 24/7 and the father works, or mums get all the attention because of carrying the baby/birthing it and rightly so. But honestly I always said I salute single parents and I've never meant it more than I do now! I'd be nowhere near as well as I am without my boyfriend, I mean physically as he takes the baby and gives me time to work on my body/my meals, mentally, because if he can see I am stressing 9 times out of 10 he will come and get the baby so I can just collect my thoughts, and emotionally, because, hormones! He's found me crying for no good reason before today and not left the house due to it because he doesn't like the thought of me crying for any reason, he has the fear of it being something big, when usually it comes out of nowhere since being pregnant and I can have this overwhelming sadness only a mother will understand, but just because he doesn't understand, doesn't stop him trying. His mornings he takes the baby down and I sleep, or blog, or whatever. We really do try to work as a team. It's all about give and take and honestly it makes it so much better having a partner for support. Of course not all the time, we're on top of each other 24/7 and have completely different parenting styles but you get my drift. Appreciate each other! Be a team. You had each other before the baby (usually) try to keep that common ground when you have the baby.
Parenting is a merry go round of being beaten by your child and adored by your child. My baby claws at my face, spits in my eye, rags my hair and screams like a banshee getting choked all because I'm trying to give him the bottle he is hungry for. Then 5 mins later he smiles at me and strokes my face while he's falling asleep and I'm like OMG you are just the most beautiful, incredible, perfect human in all of existence how did I ever get so lucky. Completely disregarding the fact that I wanted to throw him in the bin and flee to Mexico 5 minutes prior 😂 being a parent is weird. It's all so wonderful, but wonderfully, wonderfully weird.
Today was kind of just a post from me to you on how things change, parenting life and how no matter what, you're never really alone in this parenting thing. We all understand and at the end of the day we have this perfect little lunatic to stare at and beg to not wake up for the next 6 hours 🙏.
Have a great day, until next time...
don't be a stranger and stay safe.
💙 Much Love 💖