I love you - but you're driving me crazy!

3 min read
10 Aug

Hi everyone, let me just explain the title to this, I adore my baby but fuck me lately he's got me wanting to bounce to the nearest water spot and dive in with my lead shoes on. Of course I'd never do that, but you know when they are going through that stage of whining 24/7 THAT's what's going on and I wasn't built for it.

Let me start by saying I'm no stranger to the truth, but I like many was under this mystical illusion that I would be such a calm mother, cool calm and collected, that's how I'd run the show. How WRONG was I?! My boyfriend has called me mummy Goldberg since day dot and I'm starting to believe him. I shout a lot, I'm overly protective and I sleep holding my babies hand. I don't care who thinks it's over bearing, I gave up steak for him and pushed him out my nether region, if I want to comfort him by holding his hand to sleep I will.

My baby is perfect - OK not biased or anything, but he 100% is perfect. To me at least. Howwwever, he's also a droning spoilt brat but that's OK because I blame lockdown for him being an attention thief when it comes to me and his dad, but you know what else it caused him to be, smart! I like to focus on the positive because fuck me, the hard days are HARD! But my son learnt to stay sat up unaided by 4 months old, he's been trying to walk since then too, he's been holding his bottle since 4 and a half months and rolled over after 3 days of tummy time. What's that saying? 'If you want a job doing quickly find a lazy person and they'll find a faster way to do it' it's true, he HATED tummy time, so after me showing him how to roll to his back boom, he was on it. He works the head something ruthless and knows how to get all the loves. He's a giant cockblock, we can't even kiss without him waking up and judging us. Just a couple of days ago his dad hugged and kissed me on the couch and the terror instinctively put his foot on me and made a meerkat sounding grunt, we tested it and he threw the arm on me as well, rinse and repeat, so clearly he's going through the 'mum mum' phase. But my son is bloody perfect, the perfect little psycho and I'll dare anyone to disagree with me.

I'm doing my best - I absolutely am! No one can tell me I'm not. But this means I've taken over protective to the next level. Crazy mum, table for one! As any first time mum during this pandemic will probably agree, this whole situation has taken one arse load of 'new mum' anxiety and magnified it by about, I don't know, lets just say 10,000%. This is by far the most difficult position I've ever found myself in. I've fell out with my mum over not seeing my son, apparently me not allowing her to hold him is the cause! I've fallen out with my dad because he is under the illusion I am selfish? How you'd ever work me not wanting my baby catching a potentially fatal virus makes me 'self centred' I'll never know. But like I say I'm trying my best, if that means damaging a few egos in the process then so be it. My job isn't to save peoples feelings, my job as a mother is to protect my son. I think every mother feels the same, the amount of times I've seen fun loving, easy going women go batshit crazy over someone telling their child 'yes' when they have said 'no' is uncountable. If a parent says NO, you step back and nod along it's an unwritten law!

I multiple guess EVERYTHING, and I mean eeeverything for instance I have my son next to me in my bed as I type as it's the only place he will nap. I needed to pee so I considered putting him in his cot, but he'd wake up crying, cover over him? Nope he will suffocate himself in his sleep in the 30 seconds it took me in a round trip to the toilet and back, cover off? He'll be cold! It's roasting but what if by some cruel twist of fate a bitter gust of wind breaks itself in through my bedroom window and chills him to the core! Honestly, I just had to suck it up and leave him coverless, but this is a mothers issue! We don't lose the plot, we dig a hole in the plot and burrow through to some unknown insanity city and we can't. Get. Back! 

My mental health - deteriorating thanks for asking! I can laugh and joke and act OK on the outside but on the inside my head is constantly swirling and whirling with 'what ifs' and 'should I haves'. I feel the need to explain, the title to this isn't pointing the finger at my son driving me crazy, but the insanity I feel becoming a new mum, get me? I am sick of telling people 'yes we will come but don't touch my baby' I have to walk around with a constant snarl on my face because the ONE day I didn't THREE random strangers touched him, EX FUCKING SCUSE YOU, WHO DOES THAT?! You have to sanitise your hands after you open a door handle at the moment what could possibly possess you to touch a strangers infant? Other than the fact I just do not like strangers touching my son! I've had to hold back the urge to kick off because all my anxiety says is 'they could have just got him sick' when in reality before all this COVID lark if a little old man came over and touched my sons hand to say 'hi' I'd have been completely OK with it. I'm always wondering if I'm sick because if I get sick I could get him sick, or my boyfriend or anyone, I've never cared much about my health as my immune system has always been sound as, but since my baby I'm like Ms NHS. 

See the thing with becoming a mum is everyone thinks your crazy, but it's like, why assume I should be sane? I never have been and now you expect me to be after 9 months of bodily changes, deprivation of all things fun and then the most painful 3 days of my enyire being followed by God knows how long of sleep loss, sane? What would ever give you that impression? We HAVE to have a certain level of insanity or the human race WOULDN'T SURVIVE! 

Here's the secret: don't have ANY expectations. My son just gladly bit a bottle lid and cried out of the blue because he realised it will NIT fit in his mouth, he does this almost every day. And if you think I had any in cling that every baby bath time we have to look for this specofic clown fish bath toy in order to make the baby laugh by repeatedly shouting "SPIT FISH" as we use the toy to squirt water on his belly, well then you have this weird assumption I am a detailed psychic, but I had NONE. Our babies bring out the weirdest, most unhinged, batshit crazy, scatter brained, 'I don't give a shit what people think of me' brassy side to us. They can turn the quietest, people pleasing wall flower into the most protective, aggressive mama bear if someone upsets their cub. But they also bring out the most loving, nurturing, PATIENT, soft, emotional side in us, I know mine has, before I got pregnant I'd not cried in around 2 years, it never solved anything it just didn't seem logical. Now you can frisbee your logic out the window, my son said Iya and rolled over and I teared up and not a single fuck about my 'vulnerability' was given. I might now be a lot more unhinged than I was before I got pregnant, but I'm stronger than I ever knew possible. I've had news that would have destroyed me before pregnancy that now I think about for a moment but suck it up soon as I see my little man and his 2 fro t peggies. I have a really bad day and want to cry, but soon as he smiles at me and puts his arms out I'm back in my happy place and able to conquer the world again. 

Parenthood isn't something we'll ever get the hang of completely, where would be the fun in that? Embrace the crazy and run with it, it might just be your new favourite thing about yourself. I love you baby boy, you're driving me mama crazy!

Until next time, don't be a stranger and stay safe.

πŸ’™ Much Love πŸ’–

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