The Date From Hell

11 min read
20 Sep

Alright so I have had a LOT of people request this both on the blog and in real life. I've been through the mill time and time again and like a lot of people, especially women, when I was single and had sod all else to do to break up my week inbetween work, the gym and clubbing of a weekend (every week) I turned into somewhat of a serial dater. Why not it's my prerogative right? And like my nanny Bee always says "you can go on a date and spend time with a man and not have to do anything sexual, so why not go out and have fun?" Damn straight nanny bee you absolute feminist Kaweeeen! Bee knows gals 😘 and she's been married to my little grandid for about 45 years and he absolutely idolises her so I think she knows her shit 🀷‍♀️. 

So! I'll cut right to the embarassing part, I was on POF (if you don't know it look it up) cut a long story up of how I ended up on there, my friend was on there dating and what not and came across a LOT of crazies, weirdos and little characters so me in my infinite wisdom was sitting with my best friend one night and saw my friend on the group chat sending screen shots and telling us about the latest crazy pants and thought it would be funny if we both went on there and saw who could get the weirdest message first! So, I won of course when a beautiful middle aged man named *name change* Alison the slave girl, messaged and told me I looked like a goddess etc etc. Now this grew tiring quickly but as you all may or may not know you can't delete these sodding accounts without the help of an actual desk top! So we were then, both stuck on there, it didn't occur to me to take my pictures down because I had uninstalled the app 🀷‍♀️ smart, me and my bright ideas ay!

So the emails were coming through thick and fast, I got abuse for the way I look and the fact I 'clearly love attention' like mate who slid into who's DM's here, I'm not really one for insults but I flat out REFUSE to take shit from someone who's parents are CLEARLY closely related, felt like messaging his sister mum and telling her what a terrible job she had clearly done. But amongst the abuse, the overly cringe messages and sexual requests for payment (can go into this in more detail if you would like) I stumbled upon a nice, NORMAL type message from a guy we shall call *frank* I call him Frank because he had an old mans name and was only 26! Odd but what ever. So at this point, lonely and depressed whilst hungover I reinstalled the app, don't shoot me I know loads of people on there πŸ™ˆ.

Things went really well, he was nice looking (so sue me I like good looking guys), good chat, no silly games of cat and mouse like will he wont he bla bla shoot me in the eye bla bla. I didn't want anything heavy straight off so after speaking for a couple weeks I agreed to let him pick me up from my friends and go for a drive (this way she had his number plate because yes I am that paranoid, also gave her his full name from facebook just in case) and then drop me off home. So he did and the whole time he told me how gorgeous and fit I was (nice but bit of a red flag) kept saying he couldn't believe I was real, but trust me I'm as real as they come bar the flourescent hair of course, he told me about his son and how he went to Ireland every fortnight to get him and fly him back here for the week/weekend when he had him but had asked the little ones mum if he could stay there (red flag number 2) I told him that was a heavy arrangement I wouldn't agree to either if I was her 🀷‍♀️ I wouldn't. And he told me some average get to know you stuff, and took me home. So this being done I agreed to go on an actual date with him.

Cue the start of it...

So he booked us in to go to ghetto golf and from the start I was a bit dubious because he kept saying "if you're going to let me down tell me because I don't want to lose my deposit, yeno it's £20". Like I get it mate no one likes to be stood up but I didn't even give him an inkling I was going to stand him up, in fact I had every intention of following through with the date and going. May I add he had said the words 'naa mean' like seriously lad, naa mean?! I pulled him up on this and he was like "I don't know why I say that mad isn't it?" Now I'm not one for racial stereotypes of any kind but a pasty white lad from England using slang like that... no! You can't pull it off, Just sit in the corner and boil your head please. 

But I let it slide

We carried on talking, things were fine apart from the aforementioned "let me know if you're letting me down because I don't want to lose my money" shouts. I confirmed that I would be going! I said if you're skint tell me I can go halves or we can do something else, simple. I wasn't going for the money, I was going to get to know this *seemingly* sane gent, right?... wrong!

So he picks me up and laughs at my dad because for some reason he decided to shout "rapunzel your lifts here" my dads a strange one. Frank then gives another compliment on my looks, which nice as they are it was a bit heavy yet again. He then pointed to a rather noticeable crack in his front window (I didn't notice last time because it was the night and I'm not the most observant of things like that, especially when I'm reading someone). He told me he should get it fixed but couldn't be bothered paying for it so he'd rather just leave it. (Red flag 3). This lad did NOT like parting with his cash, which was strange considering how much he banged on about doing so well with his money etc. 

So we're in the car and he's banging on about the way I look again and throws out the fact his phone doesn't work but his mate had given him keys to his flat for the night (πŸ™„ no ta) so he may need to use my phone to get in touch with him, slightly confused but whatever I roll with it...

Get to outside his mates after an excrutiating drive round to find it, because as anyone knows I have absolutely no sense of direction and HATE not knowing where I am.

We eventually park and go to walk over to ghetto golf. We get in there and order drinks, as always I offer to get them and he gives it the old "no, no this is a date, I pay you don't." Because chivalry isn't dead right? WRONG AGAIN! Hold tight because we're just getting started.

So we're making our way round the course and every time I get the ball in in less shots than him you can see the absolute rage in this weirdos eyes, you would actually see the fellas manhood shrinking, it should be because I am sho-hoite at golf!

So we sit down for a little minute and have a drink, he asks of I want anything to eat to watch I reply no I'm ok thank you. This is where he was supposed to be trying to get to know me and vice versa but instead he asks "now can I use your phone so I can ring my friend?" so I say "yeah I suppose so", now he couldn't get a signal so he goes outside calls his mate and comes and sits back inside. He says that his friend is coming to meet us so that he can give him his keys to his flat but he already told me he had them so I'm confused but I just roll along with it. Fast forward 15 minutes and his friend turns up, I won't say his real name so I will say that his name was Ricky. So he goes over to Ricky and I see him point his friend over, he waves and I wave back and then his friend leaves. Not a massive part of the story I just thought I should throw it in there because it's quite strange for a first date but hey ho (come to think of it, his mate might have been the 'save me' call and he didn't want saving. I should have flagged him over).

So we carry on playing and we get to a Guy who is on a stand halfway through the course so we go over and my date asks "do you want a shot?" so I said "yep I will, if you're having one I'll get one" (because you're girl loves sambuca). So the lovely shot guy says "Okaythat's £6 please". To which my THRIFTY THRIFTY date looks at me with a playful twinkle in his dull eyes and turns to the guy "can't you give us 2 for a fiver?" And the guy laughs and goes "it's £3 each" and again my date repeats (more serious now) "oh come on can't you just do it for five?" I was so embarrassed. The guy goes "oh alright then" and gives us these shots MINUS THE POUND! Now hold onto your hats here ladies cos I'm sure that saving of a pound gave him a hard on πŸ™„.

So we carry on around the course. We have a group of people behind us and by now I really don't want to be with this guy because we've been on a date for 2 hours and he was so annoying he was the type of guy who is middle class, white, lives in a really nice house but for some reason feels like he has the right to speak as if he's from the ghetto in America? You know the type, like keep your checked shirt on there spunk.

So I go to the toilet and when I come out he was stood right outside and I don't mean in a nice chivalrous way, nope, I mean he was literally about 1 inch away from being in the doorway. Now I could be wrong here but from memory I'm pretty sure he asked me what I was doing in there? Now I'm not a prude or shy in any way shape or form, however asking someone on a first date especially, what they were doing in a toilet is a very strange question to ask, especially when I was only in there for literally about five minutes trying to emergency text my friend, but as luck would have it there was no signal in there. Now, when I actually came out I realised he was talking to a guy, I didn't know this face however I only noticed because the guy looked a little bit shifty as in he wanted to get away from my date as quickly as he could, so he left quite fast (thanks mate, how do you think I felt!). I asked what they were talking about and he turns to me and says "He was waiting for his girlfriend to"... (TOO?!) "So I said to him Oh I am waiting out here for my girlfriend too". TOO!!!!! Now I'm stood there like hang on, we've been out for literally 2 hours, and in this 2 hours I've cringed at least 3 times already, I'm good, I am certainly not your girlfriend nor will I ever be so I look at him and I say "girlfriend?!" and he goes "well you never know, that's how I see you". Like mate what the fuck you just look like you were about to come in your pants from saving a quid on a shot of sambucca!!! I just turned to him and said "Whoaa hang on their matey this is a first date." He just smirked laughed and goes "Oh ok then." As if he didn't fucking believe me? It's like Eddie off Friends, next thing you know he'll be watching me sleep and accusing me of killing his goldfish!

So we go round the course again, I have asked this guy if he wants to drink at least twice by this point because I drink quite fast, especially because I was on a first date with someone that I didn't like and also I'm polite. I love the fact that men want to pay it's lovely, however I work so I really don't mind paying and I quite like at least buying a drink or two on a first date. Now we get to the shot guy again. I can basically see his eyes roll so far back into his head he looks like he's a having an epileptic fit until I realised...nope it's just because he spotted my date (he didn't try to hide his dislike now at all) So we get to the shot guy and I had said I will get these drinks he turns to me and says "No I'M the man, I will buy the drinks". Now we aren't talking full drinks for like £8 we're talking shots for £3 each so I say ok then. He leans in all cocky (small man syndrome) and asks the shot guy "Can I have two for £5 again?" the shot guy turns to him and laughs and says in his lovely Australian accent "No mate, I only did that as a deal for you before it's £3 each" to which my date then gets angry and started demanding the £1 off I was mortified, I said " I told you I would get these shots this is embarrassing!!" And me and the shot guy exchanged an awkward glance, because I'm not one for biting my tongue. The shot guy said "Look mate I'm not doing you a deal again that comes out of my pocket it is £3 each take it or leave it!" Then turns to me and says "sorry." I then said "No honestly it's ok here I will give him the other pound!" Then I slammed it down on the counter and said to the guy "Is that OK? I'm really sorry for him." to which he laughed and said to me "No, it's no problem I get it quite a bit." My date gleefully shotted his Sambuca, smirked and started to walk away. I looked at the shot guy and shook my head in exasperation. He then turned to me and said before I walked away "This is a first date isnt it? I hope that isn't your boyfriend." to which I looked at him laughed and said "Definitely...first and last date." " he laughed said "good" and then I said bye, thanked him and walked away.

Now let's ignore the other annoying things that this date did. He then had the cheek when we were upstairs almost finished (thankfully) come over to me and said "Now I want to ask you something in all seriousness, I have two questions." so I said to him "Ok go on." to which he turns around to me, face like granite and says "Okay one (and I can't remember this actual question so I answered back quick) he said "and two, why were you flirting with that shot lad?!" In an accusatory tone. Now at this point I had dealt with enough of his shit!!! His snide comments, him telling me he was going to fall in love with me, his horrible touchy feeliness with his little t-rex hands, him trying to make out that we were together and now this shit, no!! So I turned to him and I say "I gave you your answer to the first question, but this second question, you mate can fuck off, because one, I wouldn't really do that on a first date no matter how shockingly bad it was going and two, if I want to flirt with anyone I fucking will! Regardless of where I am or who I'm with if I was that way inclined. I could and you couldn't say a fucking thing about it because I am single, now I didn't flirt with him but if you accuse me of flirting with someone on a first date you have massive insecurity issues and actually we laughed at you because you were so cheap you flipped over £1, now I'm going to take this shot and carry on because I really don't care about this date anymore!"

This asshole then came running over to me on the green, grabs me from behind and was squeezing me like he was the boyfriend I hadn't had for the past two years!! He was begging "Forgive me, please forgive me?" to which I said in a really uncovered annoyed tone "Just get off I don't care." And pushed his hands off me (he reminded me of the fella on the date with Rachel who says he isn't funny and asks her if she wants to 'make love' to him after the worst date and then tells her 'it doesn't work anyway').

We then went round and we finally got to one of the last one's which I was absolutely made up about. There was a group behind us of about 3 couples who must have been on a triple date he took it upon himself to start trying to bring up conversation with one of the guys as if me and him were on a date with the three couples that were there. I told him to leave them alone the other girls were looking at me very confused, I turned to one of them and said "This is a first date, he is not my boyfriend let me make that clear." she laughed and said "Oh thank God, he seems like a right weirdo." WHICH HE WAS!!! I laughed and said "Girl you have no idea!" You see, I was safe to do this because by this point, because he had already lurked up so far into the queue that these three couples had created in their little group, that he looked like he was in a threesome with one of the boys and his girlfriend because he would NOT leave them alone and he STILL continued trying to introduce me as his girlfriend!! Honestly I'm surprised at the amount of luck this guy carried because I'm pretty sure a lot of people really wanted to smack that shit out of him that night, myself included.

We ended part of that date there and he asked me if I wanted to go over to another place for a drink, and I know I sound really stupid saying yes at this point but I had already started speaking to my friend who had said he would come and pick me up but I would need to wait half an hour for him to get there, so me being smart says "yes OK then let's go over the road for a drink." Guys and gals I should have waited on the kerb outside. 

We go over and there is quite a large queue, now I don't know who has actually seen pictures of me or anything but I actually have quite an ok set of chesticles 🀷‍♀️ I know it, I'll acknowledge it and say it, everyone else does... he then says (brace yourselves) "This queue is quite long, you should pull your top down a bit and maybe I will get served faster". I told him to piss off and maybe he should pull his pants down and see if he could get served faster... but I doubt he would have. I asked if he just wanted me to pay for these drinks to which he said again "No, I asked you on the date, I pay for the drinks." but then he would sit there and complain about the amount of money it cost? Which considering where we were in town it was not that expensive. I mean it was a student bar for God's sake!! 

We sat down and I went to the toilet again to check my phone even though I had blatantly done it in front of him I thought by some sick stroke of gods amusement I may have just not been getting the messages while I was sat at the table, so I went to the toilet and there was a queue but I waited and then I went in to try to have a wee and check my phone again still no message to say that my friend was outside. I go to sit back down and he turns to me and says "I was wondering where you were, I thought you had ran away." Now I had only been gone literally 10 minutes if that, so this tells me that women have ran away from this loon ball before. I mean for goodness sake his own ex fled to Ireland!!!

He was also talking to ANOTHER young couple while I was gone, which I realised when I sat down that they looked very awkward, which was the going theme for this terrifying nightmare that was my date. He laughed and leaned back in towards me after saying something to the two of them who did not look into him speaking to them. And he goes "Yeah, this is the missus I was waiting for, you know how women are with the toilet." And laughs the girl who was sat with the other boy did not look happy with this, she just looked weirded out so I turned around to him and said "Leave people alone. Stop gegging in on other people's night, they do not want to speak to you. Also (and then I turned to the other couple and said) I'm not his missus this is a first and probably last date if I'm honest, I'm sorry for anything that he has said to you but trust me I have had to put up with it all night." He then started laughing and said to me that he had spoke to them about me and had asked them if they love each other because he noticed that they seemed into each other and then he leans over to them again and says "Go on do you love each other then?" They both look awkward and I said "Are you two not ready for these kinds of conversations with strangers?" to which they both simultaneously looked at me and said "No, we're not at that stage yet." and laughed nervously the girl then snarled my date, and rightly so! 

They left and he turns to me and says, and I quote "So, are you going to buy a drink then at any point or what?" I then fumed. I said to him "I have offered at least four times tonight to buy a drink and every single time you say 'no, I asked you out, or no, I'm the man I buy the drinks' so don't dare turn around to me and act as if I haven't offered because I have you have an absolute cheek!" He then said to me "The only reason I am asking you to get a drink is because I'm scared that my card is going to be declined because I deffo didn't bring out enough money for a full date." I asked why he has asked me to come over to another bar for a drink then when he knew that this date was going woefully. He said nothing. I then asked what he wanted got up went to the bar and got served quickly thank goodness. I sat down, put our drinks down and he said to me "Wow how did you get served so quick?" To which I just quite smugly turned him and said they must just know that I need the alcohol tonight. Time was ticking so we were going to leave, I was just going to wait for my friend outside now at this point I really wanted a ciggy, I hadn't brought any unfortunately out of respect for this moron. I said while we were outside that I needed one. Then said "Here let's get in this taxi you can wait at my friends while your friends is coming to pick you up". So I said "No it's ok I can wait out here he will only be a couple of minutes". To which he said "No I'm not leaving you here get in the taxi". So I just got in this Hackney that he had pulled over. And here we go with another argument over money. 

We got in the taxi and he told the driver where we were going which in a cruel Twist of Fate was only 3 minutes around the corner, walking distance πŸ˜’. The taxi driver advises him that it is only round the corner but it will cost him £3 which is fair because that is the going rate on a Saturday night in town in a hackney cab but no, this cheap ass gobshite will not part with £3. He sits there and starts trying to bargain with the taxi driver like a tourist in a Turkish market! The driver says "No mate it's not negotiable, you will be better off to just walk around the corner you know." He then turns to the driver and says "No you are not getting £3 off me for that journey you will only charge me £2 for it I am not giving you £3!" I turned to him and I said "You have just dragged me into this taxi so you better pay the man or we are not leaving here. This is embarrassing you are the most tight, most embarrassing man I have ever gone out with you can't jump into someone's taxi and expect them to give you deals, offers or free lifts!" He laughs and says "No he will give me money off, I told you I like to find a bargain everywhere I go." So I turned to him and I said "No, there is a massive difference between fans of a bargain and expecting everyone to give you money off you are cheap as!" He carried on trying to bargain with the driver, the driver continuously told him "No £3 or nothing". In the end the driver said to him "Get out of my taxi!" He asked me if I wanted to stay for a lift to which I told him "No I'm sorry, he made me get in I'm waiting for my friend so I might as well wait here." I apologized again he told me not to worry about it because it wasn't my fault and then I got out. I then stood there and had a massive go at this guy because he had just embarrassed me more than anyone ever has, and trust me I have family who like to go shopping and pretend that cooking oil is there shampoo when they drop it on the floor so I know what embarrassment can be, but HE pushed it to a depth of which I am not familiar.    

He then heard me say that I wanted a ciggie, so he grabbed me goes over to a group of guys sitting on the floor and asked them for a ciggie. Told them no it's fine don't worry about it and they said no it's ok and they made a rollie. I thanked them all for it even though I don't smoke them. We then walked around the corner and saw other lads so he said "Here I'm going to swap it with them for a normal ciggy" and I said "No honestly it's fine just leave it I don't need one I just wanted one because you have stressed me out". He said "No I make up for it I will get them to swap you" and I said "No, you are embarrassing me again I don't need this." Then stops the other boys and they did swap the ciggy with him which was really nice of them. We then thank the boys and as soon as I went to smoke this ciggie he turns to me and says "Oh no I want one" now this boy had said to me that he was a staunch non-smoker he hated smoking he hated anyone who touched ciggies yet here he was wanting some of mine that I made this abundantly clear I said to him "I thought you hated ciggies and you've never smoked?" to which she said "well yes but now I can see you with one I want some" so I said "well I'm not giving any to you when you don't even smoke you're just going to waste it" and he said "Go on just let me try it." So I gave him a pull. He looked at me disgusted and said "Ew, that's horrible." so I said "Well that's your own fault for trying it I told you you shouldn't have, you're annoying me." He grabbed me and said to me "I'm in love with you I know you have a boyfriend but that is ok we can work around that." I know people have a funny sense of humour, I myself have a ridiculously dark sense of humour which a lot of people probably know if you've read this blog you will understand, however this freakmo was NOT messing! I told him not to touch me and not to say he's in love with me because that is strange. He laughed and said it again and said "Well I can't help it I like your attitude." to which I said "I don't have this attitude with people I like nevermind love, I don't like you." and his reply to this? " So, do you think we will go on a second date then?" to which I said "I thought I had a boyfriend?" he then says "Well yes you do have a boyfriend he's the one who's going to come and pick you up I know he is but it's ok I can do casual." So I said to him "I thought you've just said that you're in love with me then you said I have a boyfriend so not only do I have a boyfriend who is ok with me going on dates he also picks me up from them too, you're a full blown weirdo you!" He keeps trying to grab round my waist and I'm swatting away like he's a fly round a campfire! I told him "Ok we will see what I tell you tomorrow wont we?" 

So he tries to find his friends house while I'm simultaneously texting my friend telling him where I am as he's on his way. Let me side note and tell you my friend swayed me into this date as I was gong to cancel when I got a weird vibe so he guilted me into it. So I guilted back because you now tit for tat and all that! So Frank is having me go round in circles because the lad has absolutely no idea where his friends flat is even though he has the bloody keys to the thing! My friend was almost there and frank keeps saying to me to stay at his friends, he will sleep on the couch he promises. But he may not be able to keep his hands to himself in the middle of the night, like easy mate you'd have to have a couch wank because come anywhere near me and they'd be getting lopped off along with other appendages! I keep saying "I'm not staying, definitely not". I'm getting pure Dahmer flashes in my head of his friend coming home and my heads in the fucking fridge, like no thanks matey! 

My friend turns up I swear there was gold light cascading off his wonderful vehicle I'm sure I saw angels carrying that thing down the road! He pulls up and I. Am. Elated! And Frank goes and introduces himself, I'm like scuse you who are you to introduce yourself to my boyfriend πŸ’‍♀️. My mates like "Er iya", and laughs. Then Frank asks for a pen repeatedly to jot his mates number on to ring off God knows who's phone he's going to try and barter for! He then pulls me to the side and says he's 'probably going to go out' WITH WHAT FUCKING MONEY MR PINCH A PENNY PINCH A POUND?!?! He THEN proceeds to tell me "ask your mate to drop me off at home, ask him to drop me off" to which I reply "No I fucking wont you mad?!" He starts weirdly laughing. Again serial killer vibes. Like go to your mates you head the wall! 

So I go to get in the car and this wacko tries to hug and kiss me!! I'm not talking a peck, his mouth, was OPEN, his arms OUTSTRETCHED, I saw the tongue! I swiftly decline and hop in the car. My friend shuts the door and HOWLS! I mean a full on hysterical cackle I'm like "er what are you laughing at? You're my fella yeno!" πŸ˜‚.

To make up for it we go to go by mine for a drink and he decided to take me back to town, I get rotten drunk on his dolla then and go home.

Bet you thought this was over didn't ya, WRONGO!

Next day I have a girls night in mine and who should happen to message me on facebook. None other than fucking Frank! He's asking how I am. How the date went. WHEN I'LL SEE HIM AGAIN!? Mate what planet are you on! I swear he was missing his carer and padded room! I tell him no I am most definitely NOT interested. He gets defensive and asks if I'm joking. tells me he thought he was "in there" asks what he did wrong. This guy would NOT stop casing me. Why I felt this way. The bitch wanted answers, so I gave them to him and oh did I give them to him. In a 15 point list mate! He was so shocked I even considered the fact that someone had impersonated him and I had gone on a date with the wrong loonatic, but no, he was just certifiable. I ended up having to block the fruit loop.

Fast forward about a year later again I found myself on POF, another boredom/sick joke gone ari. And who should message me, none other than our lovable rogue Freaky Frank! He was trying it on again seriously I'm sure this guy is completely broken. He's asking all matter of questions. Why I blocked him. Why I didn't want to go on a date with him again.   If I would? Mate what the flying fuckmo?! I told him I gave him all the answers he needed, and all I was going to give him. Told him he deeply irritated me and still clearly did, didn't know how to let things go. And you know what the crank said to me? "I'm just asking as a mate God." like what?! You ARENT a mate. You WEREN'T a mate. And if I hadn't seen one with my own peepers I'd be convinced you didn't have any mates darling. Like it had been a whole year and this crazy still hadn't changed at all. Personally I'd have preferred the person who catfished me for over a year. But that's a story for another time my darlings. I'm pretty sure I have carpal tunnel now from writing this story down and I'm sure I'm still missing parts of this story but I think I did a pretty good job of remembering that much from around 3/4 years ago.

So thanks for tuning in my little loves. 

Remember Crazy. Doesn't. Die!

And until next time

Don't be a stranger and stay safe

πŸ’™ Much Love πŸ’–


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