And I can say that with certainty (for me anyway) because I've been up an hour and half and it's only 10:05am. I know this post seems a bit pointless, but in the grand scheme of things, don't they all?
Today marks the 221st day my son has been in my life, that means it's the 220th night without sleep. Although looking back in my case it's about the 223rd night without a full, proper, meaty nights sleep if you take into consideration those horrible 3 days I didn't sleep before him. Labours a bitch!
But lately he has been waking through the night for his dummy, we haven't taken it or anything, he just spits it out and then sleep cries for it and I'm like ffs again! Up, put it back in, move him back to starting position and sleep, 1 hour later same thing again. All, night, long!
Then those blissful nights he doesn't do that he decides a bottle at 4am is perfectly reasonable, it isn't! Or he wakes just to sleep cry and shout, I don't even know why, maybe he's bored?
It's not just those sleep cry nights that have me tired. I'm tired through the day too. I'm tired of telling people I'm tired. I'm tired of counting down minutes to when his next nap is due so I can have some time to be human again. I'm tired of people judging me. I'm tired of being scared he's going to be sick. I'm just tired.
I'm tired of wanting sex and being too tired to go for it properly. Not to be crude... but for fucks sake I used to be more up for it than a rabbit in season and now I talk the talk but when it comes to walking the walk my legs are broke and I require a back brace just to get the engine revving. It's not that I'm just physically tired, I'm mentally and some days emotionally drained. I don't feel attractive I feel like a flub, and who wants that? It's nit my fellas fault, even though I have a mood on with him about twice a day for 'not being the same as when we got together' I mean not treating me the same, not not looking the same. He didn't buy me flowers for 6 weeks I was furious, he used to get me them every week, so suddenly not getting them makes me thing a million things. He has since resumed. I'm tired of overthinking and over casing!
I'm tired of hating my body. This body that grew a baby, I'm trying to lose the baby body but it seems more stubborn than my actual baby. It's draining, constantly trying to get in the mindset of motivation to lose weight only to lose it within hours because the baby has cried so much or ragged my hair soon as it's done. I eat healthy and I don't feel any better which was never the case with me. But lately I'm constantly bloated and nothing is working and I don't know what's caused the flare up, is it the IBS, the PCOS or something completely different?! I'm tired of feeling bigger than I should and I'm tired of hating my reflection.
I'm tired of getting done up to be made to look a mess. 2 weeks ago we went on our first date baby free, and I looked good. I was happy in a dress I'd not wore since 4 months before I was pregnant, yes it was snug but it zipped! I had my hair perfect, tan was on streak free and my makeup was on point! I took pictures, then what happened? 2 minutes later I picked the baby up because, mum guilt, I knew better! And within those 30 seconds he had scratched my face and ruined my makeup, ragged my hair so it was knotted and dribbled on my dress. I was leaving feeling like 'just a mum' I felt just a mess all over again after hours of prepping to feel nice 🙈. People wonder why mums get so many before selfies, THAT'S why!
I'm also tired because I worry constantly. Baby bumps his head, I think will I sleep tonight? Is it raised? Did he cry? Or worse, did he NOT cry? Should I worry? I take him to a play centre, is anyone here sick? Is he sick and going to pass something on? Are there escape points? (Yes, I really think of this) does anyone in here look out of place? Did that stranger stare at him for too long? Like, it literally is exhausting.
Some days I can't write funny posts, because some days just aren't funny. Some days are soul destroying, heart breaking, identity ruining, exhausting days and it's a job just to get out of bed and do the breakfast, knowing the next time you get a 'proper' break, will be when you lay your head down at 10pm and you know even then it's not likely you'll get a full nights sleep.
Yes it's worth it, but you don't have to pretend that being a parent isn't hard. You don't have to pretend the sunshines rays out of your arsehole because Penelope down the road says if you aren't happy to be a mum 24/7 you aren't fit to be one. That's not true. It's overwhelming. Just because so many have done it does not mean you aren't entitled to feel unmotivated or a little blue some days, we are human. And I'll be honest, before I was even pregnant and responsible for an entire other human being, I would have down days, days where I'd just feel so deflated and shite and I'd not want to do anything. So I wouldn't. So now when I feel like that but I HAVE to do things because my child needs those things, I give myself a break. I'll put him in his bouncer while I have a coffee, and I put him in his travel cot and give myself those 10 minutes to go and collect my thoughts. IT'S SURVIVAL! It really is. A burnt out mum is no use to anyone and it DOES happen. And I'll be damned if my son has to grow up with a mum, who is a miserable, unhappy, resentful shell of who I used to be, just because a handful of judgemental people online told me I should smile all day every day and just 'think positive and positive things will happen'.
I'm fucking tired. And I know if you're reading this, so are you. Or you have been. But we will do our best today and the next because that's what mums do. You sacrificed the best part of 9 months to get your baby here safe lady, nothing prepared you, but you did it and you're here. Look at you, surviving like a boss! Now go get that cuppa or that snack. Take those 15 minutes and recharge. (Go see my tips and tricks - get that mama glow post for a little 15 min at home spa treatment). There's fuck all wrong with some you time!
Until next time, don't be a stranger and stay safe!
💙 Much Love 💖